My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
