that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Randomize