I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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