I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
