I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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