Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
