see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
