God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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