so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
