Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Can vaginas get frostbite?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
