Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
