I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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