Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
