If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize