Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
