grandma shit on top of the toilet
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
