My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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