Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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