Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
