but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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