My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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