Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
