I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There r osticjed everywhere
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
