I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize