Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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