two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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