so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
