Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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