She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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