You made me cry and you don't even care
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
