i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
