they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
