A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
