there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
