Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
