I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
