Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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