My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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