Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My day in three words: secret purse cake
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
