You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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