I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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