Do you still have your period?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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