I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
