I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
