OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Your dad touched me again.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
