just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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