I cannot find my penis.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
