Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
