I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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