I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
