im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
