Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize