I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
