Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm having to shit out rocks
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
