Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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