if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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