anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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