mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize