You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
