i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
