it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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