they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
